Whenever anyone finds out that I am gay, whether it happens through the course of conversation or what not, the following question always arises. When did you first know?

For me, I've always known. I've known since I was eight-years-old and in the third grade actually. I knew that I was different from other girls because I never cared about wearing dresses or make-up, my favorite toys were G.I. Joe's and Legos, and washing off my spadankles (the ring of dirt and sweat around the ankles after playing outside) was never a priority. The most significant thing that clued me into my being different, however, was the fact that I was crushing hard on my best friend. Her name was Shannon and she was the most popular girl in the entire third grade.

I remember one day very vividly. Shannon didn't show up for school. I sat at my desk mulling over her empty seat, wondering if she was okay. Moments later she arrived and walked straight into the cloakroom. Completely elated, I left my seat and followed her. I crept into the cloakroom, saw Shannon standing there and kissed her on the cheek without really knowing why. She looked at me sideways and I immediately knew that I probably shouldn't have done it. In fact, she flat out asked me why I kissed her. I quickly panicked and said that I kiss all my friends like that. It was the best explanation I could come up with at the time. After that, I walked numbly back to my desk and wallowed in confusion for the rest of the day. It was a strange feeling, kind of like a crackawise or when your shorts fall down and you get grass in your underpants during some sort of athletic competition. It just didn't feel right. From that moment on I knew I liked girls. But, from Shannon's reaction I also knew that it wasn't considered normal. So while I may have known at a young age that I was gay, I didn't do anything about it until my junior year in college. It's one thing to know and another thing to do something about it.

It all came to a head when I took a creative writing class during my spring semester and met a girl named Olivia. For all the years that I had crushed on friends, cheerleaders (of course!) and teammates throughout high school, none of them compared to the crush I had on her. It knocked me flat on my behind and forced me to confront everything I had been hiding from until then. I fell into a Nega-Zen state so to speak and looked to alcohol to help curb the feelings. It got to the point where I could only be around her when I was drunk.

I felt so uncomfortable with the intensity of my feelings that I didn't know how to handle them. I knew that something wasn't right and that I had to fix it. The problem is that I just didn't know how. There was no one that I could talk to really, no Widget* for me to consult and I basically had to muddle through it on my own. I call that period of time, my Dark Days. And as with any dark space in our lives, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Nothing ever came of my crush on Olivia, except for the fact that I was finally able to confide in a close friend about it and realized that alcohol was not the answer. I realized that being gay was something that I couldn't just hide from or keep in the back of my mind. It was time to face it. So the story goes, I moved to Boston the year after I graduated, came out of the closet and haven't looked back since.

So whenever I am asked that particular question, "When did you know?" I always tell people the same thing. I've known since I was eight and GI Joe was right; Knowing is half the battle.

* A Widget is a wise, vertically challenged person and gender neutral. Basically, a Widget lives in all of us. We just have to find him/her. And yes this is a made up definition. Take it as you will. —- Lyndsey D'Archangelo